Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

George Washington as a boy was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth - he could not even lie. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be - a Christian. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) It could probably be show by facts and figures that there is no distinctively native American criminal class except Congress. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) It has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Virtue has never been as respectable as money. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it's the parts that I do understand. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Golf is a good walk spoiled. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Principles have no real force except when one is well fed. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) We owe a deep debt of gratitude to Adam, the first great benefactor of the human race: he brought death into the world. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it--and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again--and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910), "A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling" Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) If we had less statemanship we could get along with fewer battleships. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) The miracle, or the power, that elevates the few is to be found in their industry, application, and perseverance under the prompting of a brave, determined spirit. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) We are always too busy for our children; we never give them the time or interest they deserve. We lavish gifts upon them; but the most precious gift, our personal association, which means so much to them, we give grudgingly. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) "When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) "Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) "One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) "All say, 'How hard it is to die' - a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) If a person offend you and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures. Simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910), "Advice to Youth" Speech, 1882 Sacred cows make the best hamburger. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) How come we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Truth is more of a stranger than fiction. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) You can't pray a lie. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910), The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Those that respect the law and love sausage should watch neither being made. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Great people are those who make others feel that they, too, can become great. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) By trying, we can endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principle one was that they escaped teething. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) There is nothing training cannot do. Nothing is above its reach. It can turn bad morals to good; it can destroy bad principles and recreate good ones; it can lift men to angelship. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) The best coffee in Europe is Vienna coffee, compared to which all other coffee is fluid poverty. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910), Greatly Exaggerated I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Somewhere between the Angels and the French lies the rest of humanity. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) If I owned both Hell and Texas, I'd live in Hell and rent out Texas. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) I did it partly because it was worth it, but mostly because I shall never have to do it again. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) I have spent most of my time worrying about things that have never happened. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) A patriot is mocked, scorned and hated; yet when his cause succeeds, all men will join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) I can live two months on a good compliment. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do then by the ones you did. So, throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) I was born modest. Not all over, but in spots. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds upon the heel that crushes it. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know, I've done it a thousand times. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) At the beginning of a great national change, the patriot is a scarce man: scorned, ridiculed and forgotten. When his cause succeeds, however, all men will join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) If the statistics are right, the Jews constitute but one percent of the human race. It suggests a nebulous dim puff of star dust lost in the blaze of the Milky Way. Properly the Jew ought hardly to be heard of; but he is heard of, has always been heard of. He is as prominent on the planet as any other people, and his commercial importance is extravagantly out of proportion to the smallness of his bulk. His contributions to the world's list of great names in literature, science, art, music, finance, medicine, and abstruse learning are also way out of proportion to the weakness of his numbers. He has made a marvelous fight in this world, in all the ages; and has done it with his hands tied behind him. He could be vain of himself and be excused for it. The Egyptian, the Babylonian, and the Persian rose, filled the planet with sound and splendor, then faded to dream-stuff and passed away; the Greek and Roman followed, and made a vast noise, and they are gone; other peoples have sprung up and held their torch high for a time, but it burned out, and they sit in twilight now, or have vanished. The Jew saw them all, beat them all, and is now what he always was, exhibiting no decadence, no infirmity of age, no weakening of his parts, no slowing of his energies, no dulling of his alert and aggressive mind. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910), Concerning the Jews, Harper's Magazine, ept 1899 The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Sacred cows make the best hamburgers. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) I have never examined the subject of humor until now. I am surprised to find how much ground it covers. I have got its divisions and frontiers down on a piece of paper. I find it defined as a production of the brain, as the power of the brain to produce something humorous, and the capacity of percieving humor. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Those who say truth is stranger than fiction have wasted their time on poorly written fiction. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) The idea that no gentleman ever swears is all wrong; he can swear and still be a gentleman if he does it in a nice and benevolent and affectionate way. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910), Speech in NYC, Jan. 22, 1906 Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Fleas can be taught nearly anything a congressman can. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) So far as I am able to judge, nothing has been left undone, either by man or nature, to make India the most extraordinary country that the sun visits on his rounds. Nothing seems to have been forgotten, nothing overlooked. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) [Mankind] is governed by minorities, seldom or never by majorities. It suppresses its feelings and its beliefs and follows the handful that makes the most noise. Sometimes the noisy handful is right, sometimes wrong, but no matter, the crowd follows it. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910), The Mysterious Stranger, Chapter IX It is noble to teach oneself, it is still nobler to teach others. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Are you so unobservant that you do not yet realize that sanity and hapiness are an impossible combination? Mark Twain (1835 - 1910), The Mysterious Stranger When I was fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have him around. When I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) October is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. Others are July, January, April, September, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Golf is a good walk spoiled. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Whenever you find yourself on the side of majority, it's time to pause and reflect. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) We all have thoughts that would shame the devil. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Golf is a good walk, ruined. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) When a disciple from the wildcat religious asylum comes marching forth, get under the bed. It doesn't matter whether he's a Christian, Hindu, Jew or Muslim. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) I find that principles have no real force except when one is well fed. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) In this world one must be like everybody else if he doesn't want to provoke scorn or envy or jealousy. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) If there is a God, He is a malign thug. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) To create man was a fine and original idea; but to add sheep was a tautology. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) So much blood has been shed by the Church because of an omission from the Gospel: "Ye shall be indifferent as to what your neighbor's religion is." Not merely tolerant of it, but indifferent to it. Divinity is claimed for many religions; but no religion is great enough or divine enough to add that new law to its code. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also. I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be. But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life--hence it is a valuable possession to him. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) I was gradually coming to have a mysterious and shuddery reverence for this girl; nowadays whenever she pulled out from the station and got her train fairly started on one of those horizonless transcontinental sentences of hers, it was borne in upon me that I was standing in the awful presence of the Mother of the German Language... She had exactly the German way; whatever was in her mind to be delivered, whether a mere remark, or a sermon, or a cyclopedia, or the history of a war, she would get it into a single sentence or die. Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him till he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910), A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court http://www.quotationspage.com